Using the worksheet below, ask participants to record a few words or phrases they can say to themselves — and to the others involved — when they feel a conversation heating up and moving in an unpleasant and unproductive direction.

Worksheet

Many of us hear advice that suggests something like this: “When you get angry at a co-worker, and before you fly off the handle, take a deep breath.” 

Disagreement is not something to be avoided; a definite advantage in diverse workforces is, in fact, diversity of opinions and perspectives. Yet discussions that include disagreement require a bit of extra care. If not respectfully managed, these conversations can easily create tensions that become non-productive and have effects far past the initiating conversation.

In the space below, record a few words or phrases to actually say to yourself — and to the other person(s) involved — when you feel a conversation heating up and moving in an unpleasant and unproductive direction.

Share your results with a colleague.  See what questions or statements they use, and compare these to your own.

 Excerpted from the Leader’s Guide to The Respectful Communicator.

Recommended Training Resource: The Respectful Communicator. With the increased diversity present in today’s workplace, the potential for miscommunication has never been greater. This program shows how taking a few extra steps can keep misunderstandings to a minimum.  Onscreen hosts and dramatic vignettes demonstrate five respectful communication guidelines that participants can put into practice immediately.

by Tom Terez

It’s not always easy being nice. There are deadlines to meet, conflicts to settle, resources to share, promotions to snag — all of which can pit people against each other. What to do? Here are 20 practical ideas. If you believe that workplaces work better when people get along, scan this list and start living it.

1. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. There’s no substitute for authentic communication.

2. Be less inclined to give advice — and more inclined to seek it.

3. Resist the urge to jump to conclusions about people and their motives. Go to the source, get the facts, and then decide.

4. Identify the biggest redeeming quality of that person who’s always driving you crazy. Keep it in mind the next time the two of you interact.

5. When greeting a colleague, skip the mindless how-ya-doin’. Ask a question that shows genuine interest.

6. Go out of your way to say thank you. Sincere appreciation is powerful stuff — it’s feedback, recognition, and respect all wrapped in one.

7. If you’re overdue in showing gratitude, make up for lost time. Contact everyone who’s owed thanks from you, and let them know how much you appreciate their help.

8. When credit and compliments come your way, spread them around to all who helped. And if you think you’re solely responsible for that honored achievement, think again.

9. Promise only what you can deliver. If what you deliver falls short, explain why.

10. When things go wrong, resist the urge to assign blame. It’s the system that usually fails, so fix the system, not the people.

11. Widen your social circle. If you always go to lunch with the same group, invite someone new.

12. Give a gift for no reason. If you work with nature lovers, order some plants or flowers. If the group has a chronic sweet tooth, get a few candy dishes and keep them full.

13. When a rumor reaches your ear, let it go out the other.

14. Step down from the treadmill of daily tasks and have an inefficient chat with a colleague. If it’s someone you rarely engage in conversation, all the better.

15. Show interest in someone else’s interests. Okay, maybe you’re not dying to hear about Pat’s passion for stamp collecting, but Pat will be thrilled you asked.

16. When you take a stand and later realize it’s the wrong stand, be honest enough to say so.

17. Involve more people in weighing options and making decisions. There’s incredible brainpower all around you, so why not put it to work?

18. If you tend to send e-mails to colleagues who are an easy walk away, give the computer a rest. Get up, walk over, and have a no-tech conversation.

19. Try going a whole day without making judgments about people. Good luck — it’s tough!

20. Don’t wait for kindness to come your way. Gandhi had it right: We must be the change we wish to see in the world.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tom Terez is a speaker, workshop leader, and author of 22 Keys to Creating a Meaningful Workplace. His Web site, http://betterworkplacenow.com/, is filled with tools for building a great work environment. Write to Tom@BetterWorkplaceNow.com or call 614-571-9529.

Copyright © 2002 by Tom Terez Workplace Solutions Inc.

Training Resource:  Start Right, Stay Right: Orientation Basics walks new hires through a set of 24 behaviors – including including Show Appreciation, Give and Earn Respect, Be Considerate, and Contribute to Others’ Success – that are guaranteed to lead to success on the job.

There is an easier way and a harder way to get results as a leader. The easy way is where you have a team of people around you who want to help you achieve results, even in difficult circumstances. The hard way is to push and demand results from your team. Because they don’t want to see you succeed, they find a way of only doing the bare minimum to get you off their back.

So what makes employees want to help their boss succeed? Part of the answer lies in whether the boss treats them like people or like objects.

Thanks to the recommendation of a client of mine,  I read two excellent books from the Arbinger Institute: Leadership and Self-Deception and The Anatomy of Peace. The central theme in both books is whether you see others around you as people or as objects and how that view of others distorts reality.

This concept really hit home for me personally as I sense that at times I can view my wife, children, friends and even clients as objects instead of people. I can be less sensitive and intuitive than I should be.

When we see others as objects, we dehumanize them. This often makes us feel superior in our own beliefs and behavior and become judgmental about the motives of others.

For example when you are driving and another driver cuts you off, you might think to yourself, “What a jerk!” In fact the other person might be perfectly nice 95% of the time and did something jerk-like 5% of the time. You might also occasionally do something inconsiderate towards someone and not really be a jerk.

In reality television the producer and editor can make someone look either intelligent or buffoon-like depending on which clips and sound bites they show and which clips they leave unseen and unheard. Think about having yourself video recorded 24/7 and how you could be made to look either brilliant or stupid depending on which clips others saw.

As a leader, when you see your employees as human beings, you can appreciate that they have strengths and weaknesses just like you. How you treat them will make a big difference in your success as a leader.

Reflection Questions

Do the people around you want to see you succeed or do they actively or passively resist your goals and ambitions? How could being more personable build stronger business and personal relationships?

Action Items

• · Reflect on your view of others. Chances are that you unconditionally accept some people while being more judgmental towards others.
• · Replace judgement with curiosity to discover more about your team.
• · Take time to get to know people and build relationships.
• · Become the type of leader who earns loyalty and respect instead of demanding it.

About the author: Unique Training & Development specializes in helping its clients generate better operating results by training front line supervisors and team leaders and their managers in how to lead change and engage employees. Greg Schinkel is the author of three books: Employees Not Doing What You Expect, What Great Supervisors Know and Awakening the Workplace. http://UniqueDevelopment.com

Training Resource: Leadership and Self-Deception  Based on the best-selling book, this video and its accompanying materials explore our human tendency to look elsewhere for the cause of our problems when we should really be looking within. Also, view this success story about the Leadership and Self-Deception video and workshop.

The conventional wisdom about generational differences in the workplace is mostly wrong, according to a new book by Jennifer J. Deal, a research scientist with the Center for Creative Leadership.

The shorthand used to describe the four generations that now make up our nation’s workforce goes something like this:

    • The Silent Generation (born before 1946) values hard work
    • Baby Boomers (born between 1946 and 1964) value loyalty
    • Gen Xers (born between 1965 and 1980) value work-life balance
    • Generation Y (the generation just entering the workforce, also known as Millennials) values innovation
       and change.

Or, in terms of negative stereotypes, the Silents are fossilized, the Boomers are narcissistic, the Gen Xers are slackers, and the Gen Yers/Millennials are even more narcissistic than the Boomers.

Not so, says Deal. She argues that the generations now of working age value essentially the same things. Her findings, based on seven years of research in which she surveyed more than 3,000 corporate leaders, are presented in her new book, Retiring the Generation Gap: How Employees Young & Old Can Find Common Ground (Jossey-Bass).

“Our research shows that when you hold the stereotypes up to the light, they don’t cast much of a shadow,” says Deal. “Everyone wants to be able to trust their supervisors, no one really likes change, we all like feedback, and the number of hours you put in at work depends more on your level in the organization than on your age.”

Clearly, people of different ages see the world in different ways. But Deal says that’s not the primary reason for generational conflict. The conflict has less to do with age or generational differences than it does with clout – who has it and who wants it. “The so-called generation gap is, in large part, the result of miscommunication and misunderstanding, fueled by common insecurities and the desire for clout,” says Deal.

Summary of Deal’s Findings

• All generations have similar values. For example, family tops the list for all of the generations. The most striking result of the research, Deal says, is how similar the generations are in the values that matter most.
• Everyone wants respect. Everyone wants respect, but the generations don’t define it in the same way. In the study, older individuals talked about respect in terms of “giving my opinions the weight I believe they deserve,” while younger respondents characterized respect as “listen to me, pay attention to what I have to say.”
• Leaders must be trustworthy. Different generations do not have notably different expectations of their leaders. Above all else, people of all generations want leaders they can trust.
• Nobody likes change. The stereotype is that older people resist change while younger people embrace it. These assumptions don’t stand up under the research, which found that people from all generations are uncomfortable with change. Resistance to change has nothing to do with age; it has to do with how much you stand to gain or lose as a result of the change.
• Loyalty depends on context. It is said that younger generations are not as loyal to their organizations as older workers. But the research shows, for example, that the amount of time a worker puts in each day has more to do with his or her level in the organization than with age. The higher the level, the more hours worked.
• Everyone wants to learn. Learning and development were among the issues brought up most frequently by people of all generations. Everyone wants to learn and to ensure they have the training to do their job well.
• Everyone likes feedback. According to the research, everyone wants to know how they are doing and to learn how they can do better.

For additional information, visit the Center for Creative Leadership Website at www.ccl.org

Article by: The Canadian Management Centre, a highly recommended provider of business development courses and marketing seminars. Canadian Management Centre is a leader in professional development with accounting courses in Ottawa.

Need more help in this area? Please Respect My Generation lets you examine the different world-views and life experiences of the 5 generations now in the workplace, while highlighting the strengths of each group.  Viewers see how to focus on finding common ground, respecting one another and striving for cross-generational collaboration.

1. Ringing cell phones
2. Conducting personal business over the phone, loudly enough for co-workers to hear
3. Whiny co-workers (especially those who complain about everything but are never willing to do anything to change things)
4. Checking voicemail with the “speaker phone” turned on (especially if you work in a cubicle)
5. Loud talkers
6. Wearing too much fragrance (cologne or perfume)
7. People who barge in, or interrupt, when it’s clear you are busy
8. Being “cc’d” on emails that don’t really involve you
9. People who use off-color language
10. Co-workers who: leave an empty coffee pot, neglect to refill the paper tray, use the last paper towel and walk away, etc.

The people who create these situations or act in this way usually don’t even know they’re bothering people. And the people who are negatively impacted by the behaviors are usually reluctant to do anything about it. But left unchecked, tensions can build over time.

Here’s a simple way you, as a leader or trainer, can get seemingly minor workplace annoyances out in the open and keep them from turning into full-fledged conflicts.

1) Add any other potential annoyances you can think of to the list above and send it to your staff. Ask people to identify the ones that bother them the most.

2) Tally the results and use the findings to illustrate how an action that didn’t bother some people, really bothered others. Use this as an illustration of workplace diversity and respect, and request that people accept and acknowledge everyone’s differences.

3) If you like, gather your team together in person to further discuss the results. You may wish to ask the following questions and/or make the following points: 

• •  What are some signs (body language, verbal cues, nonverbal cues, behavior) that might indicate someone at work is bothered by something you are doing?  
• •  What can you do to be more considerate of people even when you see a situation differently than they do?
• •  How do you feel when someone is thoughtful and considerate toward you? 
• •  Sometimes you’re not aware of what bothers someone else. Don’t be afraid to ask someone if they’re bothered. Be more aware of behaviors that might clue you in. 
• •  Consider situations that really bother some people but don’t bother you at all. These differences of opinion are a sign of diversity. Being considerate is about being more accepting of other people’s differences. 
• •  Remember—the workplace is a shared environment. Everyone has the same rights as everyone else. If we work at being thoughtful and considerate to everyone at work, we will do our job better and be more productive and more successful.

4) Pick 3 of the behaviors your group identified as most annoying and gain everyone’s commitment not to do these things for a week. Follow-up to see if the behaviors have been curtailed.

Taken, in part, from the Leader’s Guide for the CRM Learning program, Start Right…Stay Right.

• • When you appreciate what you have, instead of dwelling on what you don’t have, you stay in a more positive frame of mind. You tend to be happier and others want to be around you.
• • When you take the time to thank someone for doing a good job, they are likely to perform at the same level — or do even better — next time. (Studies show that recognition — not money — is the true motivator of productivity.) 
• • In workplaces where people show appreciation to one another, there are fewer situations where people feel taken for granted. As a result, there is less dissatisfaction and resentment.
• • Being appreciative of others (and what they contribute to the organization) is a sign of respect.

Have group members think about a time when someone went out of their way to show them appreciation. How did it make them feel? How did they react? If time allows, have participants share their answers with the group.

Next, have group members think about what/who they should be grateful for (in the context of their job) and how they should show it. Pass out a worksheet containing the following:

Be Appreciative Worksheet

Use the table below to help you show appreciation for the people around you who make it possible for you to do what you do at work.

Optional Follow-Up:  Reassemble the group after they’ve had time to complete the actions they’ve identified. Ask them to share: What reactions did they receive? How did showing appreciation to others make them feel?

Based on material in the Leader’s Guide for the CRM Learning program, Start Right…Stay Right: Orientation Basics

Need help in this area? Encouraging the Heart uses a variety of real world examples to illustrate how important (and easy) it is to recognize the contributions of others.