On the surface, organizations are about making money, delivering goods and services, and producing results. Scratch the surface of any organization, though, and you uncover a hotbed of emotions: people feeling anxious about performance, angry with co-workers, and misunderstood by management. Leaders are burnt out and workers are buried in resentment. Because many organizations call for unemotional behavior, individual feelings are often suppressed. Workers think their only options are to suck it up or quit.

People want to be productive and happy at work, but instead feel emotionally trapped. We have all had experiences with co-workers who drive us crazy. We get drawn into their personal problems, bad work habits, and irritating behaviors.

These situations drain our souls and harm our organizations, because the strength of an organization is in its employees. When there are problems in the workplace, it will affect the bottom line sooner or later.

What are some of the outcomes or consequences of unhealthy relationships at work?

• Employees don’t enjoy going to work

• People feel overwhelmed or disrespected on the job

• Tardiness, absenteeism, sick leave

• Reduced productivity or work quality

• Mental replay of conversations or interactions; inability to “get over it”

• Fatigue, illness, exhaustion

• Headaches, tension, stress

While handling workplace conflict is a multifaceted process, the first step you should take when you become frustrated – BEFORE you address the other person – is to calm down physically.

It’s a fact that when you are angry or upset, physical activity can often help you calm down and see the situation more objectively. It doesn’t have to be a 30-minute run – any type of physical movement can help you relax and think. Taking a physical break can often defuse your frustration and put you in a better position to think about the situation.

As an example, think about a time when you attended a meeting and something was said that upset you. What was your response? Did you become angry and then “check out” mentally? That’s a coping mechanism, but not one that offers you control. Deep breathing to calm yourself and release a little anger can help you check back into the meeting and respond objectively. Some other ideas for helping you physically calm down before dealing with a workplace conflict: 

• Deep breathing

• Walk the hallway

• Step outside and enjoy the weather

• Splash cold water on your face

• Count to ten

Once you have gained control of your body and mind, you can more clearly think about the conflict situation and how to address your concerns with the other person.

Excerpted from the Leader’s Guide to the video program Working With You is Killing Me.

Training Resource: Working With You is Killing Me offers practical advice on how to “unhook” from emotional traps at work and save yourself from needless stress.

In solving conflicts, one of the best things you can do is to strive for collaboration. When collaborating, each person in the conflict works to uncover the other person’s underlying concerns so that everyone understands what is really behind the conflict and the resolution can address most (if not all) of both parties’ concerns.

Common communication tools used in collaboration are: active listening, questioning that reveals a willingness to understand (such as “What is it about this situation that bothers you the most?”), expressing your own concerns without being overly emotional, sticking to the issue at hand and taking responsibility for your role in the conflict.

Here is a quick role play activity you can use to help people practice using collaboration as a conflict resolution method.

Group Activity: Collaborating (35 minutes)

1) Before the exercise, prepare envelopes for each pair of participants. On the outside of the envelope, write a conflict situation that could conceivably occur within an organization (or within your organization, specifically). Inside the envelope, place two slips of paper. On Slip #1, list a job description for Employee #1, as well as an underlying concern for them in the conflict. On Slip #2, list a job description for Employee #2, as well as an underlying concern for them in the conflict.

2) Remind the participants that the skills of active listening and open communication play a key role in helping to uncover underlying concerns in a conflict.

3) State that the goal of the role playing exercise is to get the other party to move past his or her position, and into collaboration. To achieve that, they will need to discover the concerns that are fueling the conflict.

4) Ask the participants to pair up for the role playing exercise. Then pass out the envelopes that you have prepared ahead of the session. Before they begin, ask them to reflect on their positions. They should think about the level of assertiveness they need to bring in defending their position and how willing they will be to cooperate when it comes to meeting the other person’s needs.

5) Have the group begin the role playing exercise. Set a time limit of 15 minutes.

6) After the role playing is completed, ask the group to discuss their experiences. Were they able to identify the position of the other party? Were they able to reveal the underlying concerns? How? Were they successful in moving toward a collaboration? Why or why not?

Excerpted from the Leader’s Guide for the CRM Learning video, Dealing With Conflict.

Training Resource: Dealing with Conflict shows why “collaboration” – which includes getting to the heart of what’s most important to the other party — is typically your best conflict resolution strategy.

In today’s workplace, there are certain situations and behaviors that some people see as disruptive and just plain annoying…and, if ignored, can turn into bigger conflicts.  Here are 10 of the most common (in no particular order):

1. Ringing cell phones
2. Conducting personal business over the phone, loudly enough for co-workers to hear
3. Whiny co-workers (especially those who complain about everything but are never willing to do anything to change things)
4. Checking voicemail with the “speaker phone” turned on (especially if you work in a cubicle)
5. Loud talkers
6. Wearing too much fragrance (cologne or perfume)
7. People who barge in, or interrupt, when it’s clear you are busy
8. Being “cc’d” on emails that don’t really involve you
9. People who use off-color language
10. Co-workers who: leave an empty coffee pot, neglect to refill the paper tray, use the last paper towel and walk away, etc.

The people who create these situations or act in this way usually don’t even know they’re bothering people. And the people who are negatively impacted by the behaviors are usually reluctant to do anything about it. But left unchecked, tensions can build over time.

Here’s a simple way you, as a leader or trainer, can get seemingly minor workplace annoyances out in the open and keep them from turning into full-fledged conflicts.

1) Add any other potential annoyances you can think of to the list above and send it to your staff. Ask people to identify the ones that bother them the most.

2) Tally the results and use the findings to illustrate how an action that didn’t bother some people, really bothered others. Use this as an illustration of workplace diversity and respect, and request that people accept and acknowledge everyone’s differences.

3) If you like, gather your team together in person to further discuss the results. You may wish to ask the following questions and/or make the following points: 

• •  What are some signs (body language, verbal cues, nonverbal cues, behavior) that might indicate someone at work is bothered by something you are doing?  
• •  What can you do to be more considerate of people even when you see a situation differently than they do?
• •  How do you feel when someone is thoughtful and considerate toward you? 
• •  Sometimes you’re not aware of what bothers someone else. Don’t be afraid to ask someone if they’re bothered. Be more aware of behaviors that might clue you in. 
• •  Consider situations that really bother some people but don’t bother you at all. These differences of opinion are a sign of diversity. Being considerate is about being more accepting of other people’s differences. 
• •  Remember—the workplace is a shared environment. Everyone has the same rights as everyone else. If we work at being thoughtful and considerate to everyone at work, we will do our job better and be more productive and more successful.

4) Pick 3 of the behaviors your group identified as most annoying and gain everyone’s commitment not to do these things for a week. Follow-up to see if the behaviors have been curtailed.

Taken, in part, from the Leader’s Guide for the CRM Learning program, Start Right…Stay Right.