Here’s a quick way to help your teams catch themselves when they’re mired in the past.

1) In the next team meeting, ask someone on the team to keep track of the number of times they hear statements that fall into the realm of the “past” versus those that fall into the realm of the “future.”

Signs a Discussion is bogged down in the “Past”
You hear a lot of opinions (“If you ask me, the problem is that we’ve over-produced.  Installation can’t keep up with sales.”)
You hear assessments (“Last time we tried that we lost money.”)
Your hear interpretations (“I’ve been saying for months now that the marketing team is under-staffed.”)
You hear analyses (“Maybe we should revisit the recommendations the research firm gave us last year–we might have missed something.”)
You hear judgments (“If we change our policy now, we’ll lose our old customers.”)

Statements that reveal a discussion is more “Future-Based”
“What if….”
“I think it’s possible to…”
“We can do….”
“This team is capable of….”

For example:
If anything were possible, what would this place look like in a year?
Seems to me, there’s got to be away to decrease this process by half…
Something like this would certainly make things easier for customers and I can see how it might be possible.

2) Bring the findings to the group’s attention and attempt to gain agreement around the concept of moving discussions from the past into the future.  The best way to break out of business as usual is by first envisioning the possibilities the future can hold.

3) After the team identifies and agrees to pursue a future-based idea, explain that they are now ready to move into the “Present.” This is where requests are issued (such as what needs to be done, by when and by whom) and employee commitments are made.

Excerpted from the Leader’s Guide to The Power of Future Conversation training program.

Recommended Training Resource: The Power of Future Conversation. Your teams can use the principles in this program to immediately refocus their communication in a way that will help them, and your organization, achieve positive change and growth. It’s all about getting out of the past, focusing on the future and acting in the present. This program shows how to reframe day-to-day conversations so that breakthroughs can occur.

Steps

1) Listen attentively. Communicating with others is as much about listening as it is about talking. When you listen closely to another person, you learn about his needs and views on life. Learning about the person you are talking to allows him to feel understood and leads to more effective communication.

2)  Gather information. When a person comes from a different culture or background, she may speak in a way that does not resonate with you. Even if you speak the same language, she may be from a different region that uses different terminology or speaks more rapidly. Learn more about her culture or background to improve your ability to converse with her.

3)  Ask for clarification. If a person speaks rapidly, uses unfamiliar words or leaves out important information, ask him questions. He may be accustomed to people who speak just as quickly or technically and might be unaware of your confusion. Asking for clarification will also show him that you are listening.

4)  Speak clearly. Use language that others will understand. Avoid mumbling or using unfamiliar lingo. This is especially important when speaking to people of different cultural backgrounds, ages, professions and personalities.

5)  Confirm that your message is being understood. Watch your listener’s body language. Look for signs that she understands what you are saying. A furrowed brow and other body language indicating confusion or disinterest are reasons to slow down or speak more clearly.

6)  Watch your body language. Be sure that you are approachable. Looking down at the floor or away when talking to someone will communicate a lack of interest. Maintain eye contact and nod to indicate that you are listening.

7)  Acknowledge similarities. When in conversation with someone from a different age group or background, focus on your similarities and acknowledge them. For example, your listener might enjoy the same flavor of ice cream as you. Commenting on the things you have in common helps to build a connection.

8)  Appreciate the differences. Being able to talk to anyone means sincerely appreciating diverse beliefs and cultures. For example, you might notice that the family near you at the park is dancing to music from a different culture. To break the ice, you might ask them for the name of the instrument, artist or song.

9)  Express genuine interest in others. People enjoy speaking to others who genuinely care about them. Ask questions that show you care and want to learn more. In some cultures, it is customary to spend time discussing family or lighthearted topics before diving into serious or professional matters.

Recommended Training Resource: Designed for maximum flexibility, The Communication Toolkit provides you with a library of video vignettes that depict various aspects of communication, including speaking clearly, active listening, nonverbal communication, conflict and difficult conversation, group communication, and presentation skills.

TMI at work (opens clip on YouTube)

Training Resource: Working With You is Killing Me teaches employees how to handle needy, talkative co-workers and other difficult colleagues.

Exercise:

Steps to Evaluate Whether You Talk Too Much
1. Assess a conversation.  So, you just met your friend for lunch and are worried you may have dominated the conversation…again. Honestly and in an unbiased manner, replay the lunch date in your head. Ask yourself some questions like; “Who truthfully did the majority of the talking?”, “Did we talk more about me or about my friend?”, “How often did I interrupt my friend?” This will help you to see clearly whether or not you talk a lot in comparison to other people. Don’t limit these “replay sessions” to your social circle. think about the way you talk to EVERYONE. Including–but not limited to–your boss, co-workers, mother, and the restaurant help.

2. Assess the way you are most likely to begin a conversation.  Do you open conversation by jumping in with a funny story of your life and your observations, without being asked, or are you likely to ask someone a question and let them tell you a story, tell you about their life and their observations?

3. Pay attention to body language.  Do people sometimes roll their eyes when you start to talk, or maybe tap their foot impatiently? Do people begin to phase out when you begin to elaborate on something? Do people simply nod their head and throw out irrelevant “Yeahs” and “Uh-huhs”? Or worse, do people sometimes ignore you completely when you get on a verbal roll, turn the other way and start a conversation with the next person? These are some good indicators of whether you bore people by talking too much. If signs like these are consistent factors in your conversations, you probably talk too much.

4. Keep count of all the times you accidentally say more than you mean to say.  Do you find yourself often giving away bits of information you don’t mean to? A friend’s confidence, or your own (sometimes embarrassing) problems? Or maybe you let slip rude or hurtful opinions of people. Note how often this occurs in day-to-day conversations.

Steps to Fix the Problem
You’ve decided you DO talk too much and want to do something about it; here are some suggestions of how to do this:

1. Make a conscious effort to listen more and talk less.  Listening shows you are interested in the other person and what they have to say. People will be flattered by a good listener, because secretly, everyone loves to talk about themselves. There is no topic that interest them more than themselves. Remember, if you allow them to talk, and ask them lots of follow-up questions, they will think you are a brilliant conversationalist without you needing to say much. Some people seem to think that by talking the most, they must be the best conversationalist. By the same token, if a dinner guest take more than half of the food on the table offered for a group, would you consider them a great guest? Or rude, selfish and posessing a lack of social skills?

2.  Don’t fill all the dead air.  This is especially true in a group setting, pauses are sometimes another person’s thinking time. Some people like to take a moment to think and compose their answer carefully. Don’t feel you need to jump in at every pause. This will lead to you talking for more than your fair share, and others will feel that you are interrupting them. Allow 5 seconds, look around, and if nobody seems to want to speak, ASK a question. Don’t jump in with a “funny” story, ask people about themselves.

3. Remember a good conversation is like a back-and-forth rally.  If someone asks you a question (e.g. “How was your holiday?”), after you have given your reply about your great trip and experience, return the favor by asking a question (e.g. “how about you, are you planning to go on any trips this year?”, “Enough about me, how was your week? How are the wife and kids?”).

4. Slow down.  Sometimes people simply get excited and begin an overwhelming monologue. They’re so into what they have to say, they forget that you need TWO people to hold a conversation. This is selfish. Sometimes all it takes is a quick mental note to calm down. Take a deep breath and collect yourself before breaking your oh-so-amazing news to your friends. In essence, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Truthfully, your special story will have more impact if you take time time think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.

5. For goodness’s sake, STOP INTERRUPTING PEOPLE.  Interrupting people is an insipid, self-centered and widely excused habit of the majority of the world’s population. People have been desensitized to this egotistical way of carrying on a conversation. It’s now commonplace to find oneself rudely and callously cut off from finishing your sentences, only to find one’s fellow converser interjecting with their own personal stories, thoughts, or commentaries. A practice which basically states “I don’t find you interesting enough, and so I’m just going to say what I want to say.” This is a simple, awful way to disregard the most basic rule of human interaction; respect. So the next time you are in a conversation, no matter what it is about, listen. I mean, REALLY listen. Personal input is a wonderful way to express oneself, but never at the expense of the other person’s feelings. So go for it, this is a wonderful way to gain the revered honor of becoming a “good listener.”

6. Consider the cause/effect: Ask yourself why you’re so chatty. Do you seldom have an opportunity to be heard? Are you lonely? Too much caffeine? Are you often pressed for time and have adapted by increasing your rate of speech? Also, consider the effect- fast talkers and long-winded talkers tend to overwhelm and exhaust others and themselves. When you catch yourself talking too much, try to take a moment to check in with yourself- take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can “reset” your speaking habits if you slow down and work at it.

Tips
Breaking yourself of bad habits or poor manners takes time. Don’t get discouraged. It’s wise to ask a close friend for support. It can’t hurt to have a coach.

Warnings
Please, please, don’t stop talking! Talking is a beautiful form of interaction, and a good marking of a “social butterfly.” But remember, everyone wants their turn in a conversation. It’s time to go back to that long forgotten pre-school lesson of sharing.

Training Resource: Empathic Listening. Communication is said to be the most important skill in life. And effective communication always comes down to one thing — mutual understanding. Based on the premise “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood,” this program explains empathic listening and shows how it helps us understand and successfully communicate with others.

The following activity not only brings this truth to light, it leads to discussion around writing an organizational message that everyone can buy into and easily articulate.

What We Do Training Activity

Start by saying that successful organizations typically have one thing in common: they are clear about what they do and they are able to present what they do in a way that is both consistent and compelling.  (Conversely, organizations that try to be all things to all people can struggle with brand recognition.)  Ask the group to name organizations they think are good at communicating what they do.  What makes them stand out?

Explain that the activity the group is about to do will help them pinpoint what’s important about their organization and agree upon how they’ll talk about their organization going forward.

Divide the training group into small groups of 3-4 people.  Have each small group come up with an answer for the following questions:

1.   What business are we in?
2.   Who do we serve?
3.   Why do we exist?
4.   What do we create and/or what value does our organization bring?

Then ask each small group to craft a “what we do” statement they feel represents these ideas. (Remind them that the best statements are both concise and compelling.)

Bring the groups back together and have a representative from each group share their group’s “what we do” statement.  Capture them all on a flipchart or whiteboard.

Discuss the merits of each; perhaps you can mix and match parts of each to make a better statement.  See if you can come to consensus on one statement. For fun, ask everyone to turn to the person next to them and practice saying the statement out lout so that it feels natural and conversational.

Excerpted from the Leader’s Guide for The Clarity Imperative.

Training Resource: In The Clarity Imperative, host John Jenson uses a variety of inspirational stories to introduce viewers to the importance of “consistent messaging”. This program provides a simple but powerful methodology for getting people “on the same page” so that clarity and cohesiveness can emerge.

When leading in times of change and transition (and who isn’t?), remember communications fundamentals, including these:

• Communicate relentlessly. Communicate information, thoughts and ideas clearly — and frequently — in different media. Find many ways to share information; keep processes open and transparent.

• Listen. Good communicators are also good listeners. Allow people to air their gripes and complaints. Pay attention to what others are saying, thinking and feeling. What is said, and what is left unsaid.

• Explain. People are often skeptical of change. Share your thinking and the trade-offs you’ve weighed — not just the final decision or strategy.

• Articulate expectations. Clearly explaining why, how and when things need to happen will set expectations and create a healthy level of stress and pressure. It also establishes a mechanism for monitoring and addressing performance.

• Be visible. If you communicate well, you won’t be out of sight. Find ways to interact with all of your stakeholder groups.

• Confront problems and conflict. Don’t postpone dealing with challenging issues or conflict. By avoiding the difficult people or difficult issues, you can do great harm to yourself, your co-workers and your organization.

• Be honest and sincere. Communicate truthfully and honestly, follow through with what you say and avoid deception.

This article was adapted from the CCL publication Leading With Authenticity in Times of Transition.

For instance, think about the way children learn the alphabet…the letters in the alphabet song are broken down into chunks of no more than one to four letters: (ab-cd) (ef-g) (hi-jk) (lmno-p) (qrs) (tuv) (w-x-y-z).

The same technique could be applied to something you want to memorize at work, such as the organization’s mission statement.

So, if this were your mission statement:
We are dedicated to providing insurance products that offer quality protection with value pricing. We wish to establish a successful partnership with clients, staff members, and insurance companies that respect the interests and goals of each party.

You may want to break it down into these small units:
• dedicated to providing insurance products
• offer quality protection with value pricing
• establish successful partnerships
• clients, staff members and insurance companies
• respect the interests and goals of each party

2. Create some kind of internal organization. It is much easier to remember something that is organized and has meaningful structure than something that is random or abstract. One way to organize is to look for a natural hierarchy in the material to be learned.  Another way to organize would be to make up a story or narrative chain to relate events to one another.

Sample:
If your license plate number is:  2DN1231
• You could assign the word “To” to the number 2
• You could see DN as an abbreviation of the name “Don” (especially if you have a friend or relative named Don)
• And, you could see “1231” as December 31st or New Year’s Eve.

Your narrative could then be:  I’ll Give a Ride To Don on New Year’s Eve

3. Find some kind of external organization. Some relationship must be found between the new information you are trying to retain and information which has already been learned so that one fits the others.

Example:
You are about to do a brief presentation that will encompass:
• An introduction
• A topic overview (e.g. “Lead Generation: Well Worth The Time It Takes ”)
• Three different topic points (for example):
   -  Generating Leads through Social Networking
   -  Generating Leads through Advertising
   -  Generating Leads through Cold Calling
• Closing statements

You could think of the different elements of your presentation as different locations within your house.
• the front door = your introduction or opening remarks
• the entry (from which point you can see a number of rooms) = your overview
• the living room (where crowds gather) = social networking
• the family room (where the TV is located) = advertising
• the office (where you often make business calls) = cold calling
• the back door = your closing statements

Recall is accomplished by visualizing the location and discovering the speech element associated with that location.      

Taken in part from the Leader’s Guide for the classic program “Memory” © 1980 CRM Learning, L.P.

Training Resource: Speaking Effectively… to 1 or 1000. Memory plays a big role when delivering a speech or presentation. This entertaining and effective program gives practical advice on how to deliver a compelling message to a group of any size.

Hand out Worksheet: Who’s Listening?
(See worksheet design suggestions at the very bottom.)

Point out the two labels: Worst Listener on the left end of the line and Best Listener on the right. Read the directions on the Worksheet aloud.  Allow participants 5-10 minutes to complete the Worksheet.

ASK:
• What influence does your Best Listener co-worker have over the quantity or quality of your work?
• How do you feel having conversations with the person you are thinking of as Best Listener? Does it affect your job performance?
• How does this person’s ability to listen to you and others affect the work group and environment as a whole?
• How does the behavior of the Worst Listener affect both the quality and quantity of work that you do?

Participants can add brief notes on these points on their worksheet. Then facilitate a discussion where participants share with the group some of the behaviors noted on their worksheets. Remember: No names!

Debrief the activity with the following points:

• Sometimes it seems as if we don’t have choices, but usually we do. We can choose to focus our attention. We can choose to reduce distraction. We can choose to stop for a few minutes to sit down and listen.
• The benefit of one person’s ability to be an effective listener carries beyond individual conversations. Attention and good listening set a tone for the interactions that follow.
• As a listener, focus on the speaker—what are they really trying to say? What are they feeling? What is their need, and how can you as a listener help fill it?
• The listener demonstrates a deep level of focus and concentration by maintaining eye contact and comfortable body language. Attention goes a long way toward relieving tension and letting the speaker know they have your undivided attention.
• Let the speaker DO most of the speaking and avoid interrupting them.
• Prompt the speaker with encouragement and phrases such as,“Tell me more about that…” or “You must have felt…”
• Reflect back to the speaker what you understand the speaker is feeling with comments like “I think I hear you saying….,” or, “It sounds like you feel___about___.”

This level of listening holds potential for effective problem-solving, builds trust, and opens the way for meaningful, ongoing communication and results.

Worksheet should look something like this:

Worksheet: Who’s Listening?

1. Think about the worst listener you know (no real names please), and the best listener you know. Write some hint as to who they are on the line below.
2. Think about your conversations with these individuals. What do each of them do that make them the best or the worst at listening?
3. Below each “name”, list a few bullets or key words describing observable behaviors that make each of these people the best and worst listeners you know.
4. In the Where are You? section, write Me somewhere between the two ends of the scale—at the appropriate position for your own listening skills. List a few of your own listening habits below Me.

Material excerpted from the Leader’s Guide for the video training program, Nobody’s Listening.

Need help in this area? Nobody’s Listening depicts what happens when a hurried manager fails to listen to the concerns of a subordinate. As he gets a second chance to practice the art of active listening, a number of problems are averted.

As you stare at the offensive message, your vision blurs. You feel blood rushing to your face. Your heart beats faster. Your stomach drops. Your strongest impulse is to render justice by striking back.

Though it’s hard to remember, you do have a choice in that moment. You can either react out of anger, and fire back a harsh retort, or you can close the infuriating email, and calm down.

Which do you do? Our survey reveals that the usual response is to get ticked off, and retaliate. You then get into a battle with that person that can last for weeks at a time.

Opportunities to take offense in the world of email are high. Email is a form of communication without buffers, interpreters or pauses. The cc mechanism lends itself to either “tattling” on your co-workers or being told on to your supervisors.

But if your goal is to resolve workplace conflicts without hurting your reputation, reacting in anger doesn’t work. Why? Because you’re likely to send your first (and worst) thoughts to the recipient. Angry email responses injure the relationship, and damage your credibility.

The first thing to do when an email makes your blood boil is to calm yourself down. Draft files were created to hold (and filter) our angry e-bursts. Why is it that so few people are able to answer hostile emails in a cool and professional way? Because the temptation to immediately “fire back” an email when you think you’ve been attacked is very strong.

The next time someone sends an e-missle your way, take whatever steps you can to cool down before responding. We recommend: closing the email, getting up from your desk, stretching, taking a few deep breaths, splashing water on your face, or walking around your office floor to collect your thoughts. If you can cool off, you’ll have a much better chance of responding in a calmer, more professional, more effective way.

By Kathi Elster and Katherine Crowley. Used with permission. Visit their website: http://www.ksquaredenterprises.com/

Need help in this area? Working With You is Killing Me, hosted by Kathi Elster and Katherine Crowley, provides the antidote to becoming “hooked” by a toxic co-worker, showing exactly how to take responsibility for addressing the problem and put a stop to it all.

Anyone who begins to try to help other people in a conflict situation must first come to grips with their own internal conflict about whether or not to intervene. These factors have proven to be important indicators as to the appropriateness of intervening.

• First there is the importance of the issue.
If the issue is extremely important to you or the team/organization, it’s probably worth intervening, even if the other factors listed below are low.
• How important are the relationships?
Even when the issue is less important, if the relationship you have with one or both parties is highly significant to you, you might want to intervene in order to help preserve the relationship(s).
• Consider what would happen if no one intervened?
If you believe the short- or long-range results would be extremely negative, even if neither the issue nor the relationship are important, it might still be advisable to intervene.
• Finally, think about what it is you want in the situation.
Identify your goals in the conflict prior to thinking about helping others. (If you don’t, any attempts you make to resolve the conflict will likely get muddled and the people you’re trying to help may end up feeling manipulated.)

Excerpted from the Leader’s Guide for the CRM program Resolving Conflict.

For more on this topic, check out the CRM Learning program What To Do When Conflict Happens, which features a section on conflict mediation.